There’s a reason for the phrase the terrible twos. We’ve all seen a toddler meltdown happen – in the checkout line, at the dinner table or in the toy aisle. Anyone with a child over the age of five will surely sympathize with the parent wrangling a little person out of a restaurant who is shrieking, kicking and screaming. I’m talking about the dreaded temper tantrums, which so often go hand-in-hand with toddlerdom. While temper tantrums create some of the most trying moments for parents, we have solid research that helps us better understand the nature of tantrums and helps parents handle tantrums better. Here’s the good news: typical tantrums will last an average of 3 minutes and then usually blow over naturally if correctly handled by adults.
Why do tantrums happen?
Research tells us a toddler’s brain is often driven by instinctive urges and unregulated emotions because the brain’s ability to contemplate logically has not yet developed. For this reason, it’s important to determine what sort of feelings and emotions are driving your child’s tantrums. Sometimes it’s a situational cause, like your child is hungry, over-tired, or out of their normal routine. Sometimes it’s a demand for attention. In other cases, she wants a certain item like a cookie or a toy she sees in the store. Sometimes, children are rebelling – they don’t want to do something that’s being asked of them or they’re somewhere that they don’t want to be (like putting shoes on or being strapped into a high chair).
What can I do to stop them?
While every child is different, following the steps below will help you appropriately manage toddler meltdowns as they run their course in a healthy way.
- Keep calm and control your reaction. Try to keep a neutral facial expression and calm demeanor when your child throws a fit. Act disinterested in what your child is doing, other than ensuring her safety. Do not respond verbally to any of her attempts to get a reaction out of you. Otherwise, any reaction — comfort OR correction — may only reinforce the kicking and screaming behavior and cause it to continue. Christina, a mom of 1, says “When my son was having temper tantrums, I would leave him alone and just keep an eye on him. He would just release it, often screaming, for five or 10 minutes and then he calmed down. He’s like a new kid when he’s done!”
- Wait for the waves of anger to pass. The typical tantrum will have a mix of anger and sadness. If you can remain calm and patient, eventually the angry phase will pass and there will be only a puddle of sadness left. Now, it’s safe to respond to your child’s emotions.
- Reflect on your child’s feelings verbally. Speak to your child gently about how they’re feeling, using prompts such as: “I see that you are feeling sad. Would you like a hug now?” It’s likely he will melt into your arms, finally able to be comforted after the anger has quieted. Lacey, a mom of 2, says “I like to give my three-year-old daughters something positive to focus on before discussing the meltdown. I’ll say, “Charlie, find something that’s red for me!” or “Where are your sister’s boots?” If she can focus on something else, then I know she’s ready to talk about her tantrum.
- Provide a short review and redirection. After the entire storm has passed, you can briefly talk about what happened. However, you shouldn’t expect your toddler to process the event with adult logic. Lecturing will be ineffective. Simply say, “When I told you no cookies before dinner you became very angry and then sad. We will eat dinner first and then have a cookie after dinner. Now, would you like to play with your cars while I make dinner?” This quick recap will help your child process his feelings and move on.
What if it doesn’t work?
While these tips may be helpful for the average toddler meltdown, not all tantrums are typical. If your toddler erupts into frequent emotional meltdowns that last for more than 25 minutes, your child may be having trouble with sensory integration or other behavioral issues. Consult with your pediatric health practitioner for more information if you’re worried that your child’s behavior may not be normal.
Parent Reviews of Primrose School of Ken Caryl
morePointers for Parents; Getting Children Back into Routine After the Holidays
more4 Ways to Explore Spring with Your Child
more4 Ways to Raise a Good Friend
more2021 Parent Reviews
moreThe Power of Puppet Play in Child Development
moreIn Good (and Clean) Hands: Considerations for Children's Safe Return to Child Care
moreParent Reviews - "We feel like our children are always happy and excited to go to school each day!""
moreReady for Spring Cleaning? Get your Child Involved!
moreIn Good (and Clean) Hands: Considerations for Children's Safe Return to Child Care
moreIn Good (and Clean) Hands: Considerations for Children's Safe Return to Child Care
moreThe Power of Puppet Play in Child Development
moreJoin our Caring and Giving Virtual Donation
moreJoin our Caring and Giving Virtual Donation
more Exhausted from the election? These pre-K and kindergarten voters may brighten your mood. ÂÂ
moreNeed Some New Books in Your Mix? Check out Og's Story Time Book List
moreParent Review - "During this whole epidemic they have done everything they could ....."
moreOnline with Og, Exploring Land Transportation!
moreBuilding Social, Emotional and Academic Growth, Amidst a Pandemic
moreOnline with Og at Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreJoin Primrose's Online Curriculum with Og the bookworm!
moreStory time book list
moreComplimentary Primrose Schools Online Weekly Curriculum!
moreParent Review - "We Love Primrose School of Ken Caryl!"
moreMore than just a cute puppet..
moreLet go of "Parent Guilt"
moreDe-Stressing and Spending Quality Time with Your Kids
more6 Ways to Help Your Preschooler Make Friends
moreParent Review - Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreIt's Hot Out There! Summer Skin Care Tips for Your Child
moreHow Working Parents Stay Connected with Their Kids During the Summer
moreParent Review - Primrose School of Ken Caryl
morePrimrose Reviews from Real Moms
moreDo you have a "Threenager"? Confessions from the Mom of a Threenager
moreBattle Bedwetting with These 4 Tips!
moreKid-Friendly Thanksgiving Recipes & Crafts
moreParent Testimonial
moreParent Review - Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreHow Primrose Differs from Montessori
moreCelebrate Back to School with these 5 Crafts & Activities!
more5 Family Staycation Ideas!
moreParent Review of Primrose School of Ken Caryl
more5 Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July at Home
moreParent Review of Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreMy Kid is Turning into a Bully! How Do I Stop it?
moreDon't Pass the Phone: 7 Alternatives to Screen Time
moreOne Size Does Not Fit All - Tips for Raising Siblings by Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreYelp & FB - Parent Reviews of Primrose Ken Caryl
moreStraight from the Source: Why Moms Love SwimLabs Littleton
moreParent Reviews of The Primrose School of Ken Caryl
moreHow to Ask About Your Child's Art
moreParent Testimonials
moreHow to Survive Toddler Tantrums - Pointers for Parents
more